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Q: Three weeks ago I discovered that my husband was having a string of affairs. I found pictures and I found a second cell phone in his car, with more than 30 names of women in it. I called the most recent number dialed—she told me they had had sex twice, but that he loved me and that they only saw each other for sex. I confronted him and he has promised to change, and there have been some mild changes in his attitude towards me. My question is: How can I get over the pain?

A: I am afraid this is one of those situations in which Ann Landers used to ask this question: "Would you be better with him or without him?"

Not only did your husband betray his relationship with you by having likely multiple sexual encounters with other women (and potentially expose you to the danger of sexually transmitted infection), but he has been conniving in his behavior. The second cell phone would indicate that this has been going for a longer period than you might suspect.

Your question was how you get over the pain. I am not so sure one ever "gets over the pain," but for starters you need to recognize that the infidelity is your husband's problem. I am not saying that you are not involved, but rather that the decision to betray the marriage with sexual affairs belongs to your husband.

Your pain would be relieved if he admitted that and recognized that he needs some form of psychological counseling (maybe sex therapy would be best) to address his lack of commitment to his marriage and family, and what internal needs are driving him to satisfy his sexual desires outside of his marriage with multiple partners over and extended period of time. It would not be at all surprising to find out that he has a very fragile sexual self-esteem and needs these kinds of interactions to make him feel some sort of masculine well being.

If he has never come close to admitting he has a personal problem and needs help, that will make your pain more intense because you then have to add his lack of responsibility to his unfaithfulness. Also it is made more painful because you have no clear idea what his issues are and what needs to get him the help he needs.

Under these conditions the pain is not likely to "go away" on its own, and the trust will always have some compromise involved. I would think your best shot would be for the two of you to seek counseling to assess what these issues are for your husband, what your issues might be, and why this relationship has become so troubled. This will require equal investment on both of your parts. Any reluctance on his part reduces your odds of a positive outcome rather dramatically.

If he is unwilling to be an active participant in some form of healing process, let me suggest that you seek some counseling that would assist you in understanding the situation you are in and guide you in your decision process. Seldom do these kinds of issues spontaneously resolve themselves, in part, because your husband’s problems likely have a long history in his life.

To stay in this relationship as it is will result in more of the same. What you see is what you get!! You deserve better I would think.

Dr. Dailey is a certified Sex Therapist and Sex Educator, and has been on the faculty of the University of Kansas for 36+ years.

Post your questions for Dr. Dailey in the comments section below or, if you prefer, email them to him at letstalksex@lawrence.com